Bigpieceofpie

It again seems like forever since I have took the time to write. I thank the Gods everyday that I have been to busy to eat! I have lost about 18 pounds. yeah for me! I have had my grandkids for almost three weeks. My son and his wife are moving and between work and packing they where stressed So I offered to take the kids till they got moved. they left a few days ago. It was bitter sweet.  They kept me busy. My nephews are coming to spend spring break with me he should be here this afternoon.  I have been so busy I have not had time to whine about my mental fat issues. Another hip hip hooray for me!  Not to mention the ice storm clean up and the resort has had a few visistors already!  Happy Spring all! Love ya! Karen

It feels like its been a life time since I blogged! The power was out for 2 weeks and now I have some crazy pc problem. Not to mention I have not really had time to be at my desk. And I am proud of that! I am back to eating right and I have been on the treadmill more that I ever have. I just wanted every one to know I was still here and still fighting the good fight. I will try to write a witty blog later. Peace and love, Karen

After a very long ten days with no power or phone by the grace of the Gods today the lights came on. I live in Northern Arkansas and we where hit with a bad ice storm. I admit over the last ten day I ate out of convience. But I am back and will be back to blogging as soon as I clean up my trashed house. Peace and love

Karen

Another day down. I think tomorrow I may just jump on the scale. I have been avoiding it. I am refusing to let this beat me. Somedays are so much better than others. today was a good day. I am going to make tomorrow better. thanks for all the support! Peace and Love, Karen

I know my last blog was me on a pity pot. But today I am so over it. I still have not worked out but I did go back to eating healthier and less food. May be tomorrow will be the day it all comes together and I can get out of this fat suit.  I know my day is coming and I have to keep myself positive! I have been giving some thought to the meals that are pre made like weight watchers ,nutra system or one of the other ones. I know how it will work for me I will get a months worth of food eat it in a week and starve the rest of the month. Maybe that’s where its at! LOL Has any one tried this? Not the starving part but the pre planned and made meals? Just wondering. . I am determined to get rid of this once and for all! I thought about getting rid of the clothes that fit and keeping the smaller sizes so I have to get in to shape to have clothes to put on.

OK I am hoping like heck that I can get back on track totally. I have not been totally honest with myself over the past few days. I have slipped back to old habits. I have not eaten anything good for me. I have not worked out in two day almost 3 days. I have some kind of mental block going on. I know its an emotional issues of going from a house full of people to being totally by myself out in the middle of no mans land. Its not that I don’t like being alone, I remember hoping and sometimes praying, I could get 5 minutes to myself. Now I have all the time in the world, and I am bored. So instead of making myself walk or dance or workout I’ve been eating. What the heck is wrong with that picture. I am so determined not to live like this any more but can’t for the life of me get it together long enough to make a complete change, to take the bigger steps to change my life. I don’t think I am afraid of the change, because I look at as a change for the better and to get back to being a more healthy person. I know we can never go back, If we could I would be 25 years old with a butt you can bounce a quarter off of. I keep blogging thinking that I will have an Aha moment where it all clicks and I can just make the move forward that I need.

My husband and I have been on the outs for what feels to me, like forever. We have been together for over 15 years. I keep telling him I am done with the whole mess. I know when we started having problems is when I started packing on the pounds. I know he does not make me eat. He does not put the chicken fingers in my mouth. I know inside of myself, that I am the only one who chews the food I eat. I am the one in charge of getting over the emotion I am feeling at the time and not cram it back down inside with a carton of Ben and Jerry’s. I am a very strong, capable woman, I can do anything I set my mind to. Except this. I cannot seem to combat my emotional turmoil with out beating it down with a chicken leg. I know what my issues are, and therapy isn’t going to help.

I make the comment that I am lazy. I am not lazy when it comes to doing what I need to do in my everyday life. I clean the house, I do the laundry. I am lazy when it comes to me doing things I need to do for myself. I sometimes wonder If I have some kind of guilt complex that keeps me from doing the things I want to do for myself. I sometimes think I should be doing something else. Then I think maybe its some form of depression. I don’t take care of myself the way I should. I take a shower every day, brush my hair and my teeth, but I don’t shave my legs as often as I need to or take care of eyebrows. I never take time to paint my nails. Even though I like to. So buddies please give me your insights! I can never have enough tips and input from you! You are all rock stars to me and have a wealth of wisdom to share. AND A GREAT INSPIRATIONS!

I am so tired! The kids left this morning. It was such a bittersweet moment as the car pulled out of the driveway. I was glad because those cute little cherubs really kicked my butt! Every muscule in my body aches. My kitchen is covered with apple juice and half eaten bananas. It seemed like as soon as I get one area clean I find my sock stuck on the floor in a spot I thought I had cleaned. There are Dora the explorer fruit snacks stuck to the coffee table. This was the first time my grandson has been away from home for any period of time. I was sort of worried at first, but he never asked for his mother. We played outside a lot and we danced for hours everyday. I wish I had the energy they have. I am so glad they are not picky eaters. They ate what I ate. So I pretty much stayed on course. With the occational bite of a choclate chip cookie my grandson would make me take. We also had a teaparty one day for lunch!

I am not going to be able to blog for the next few days. I have my grandkids. there is no better exercise than chasing around an 2 and 4 year old.

Sorry I have not blogged the last few days I spent the day outside Thursday and had to deal with allergies. I di d have a wonderful moment today. I was getting dressed to go to the market. I pulled out a pair of jeans, like most of them, I normally would have to lay on the bed to get them all the way zipped. But not today. They zipped! I was so excited! I know its a little bitty victory, but it is one none the less!  I have this thing that I started last fall about not eating anything with corn syrup in it. I wanted to change up my breakfast cereal, but I had to get the kind I always get. I wanted to get Special K, but it has corn syrup in it. its not the main ingredient, but its there. Even in the plain kind. 

 I have not over come the desire to eat at night. I still have to fight myself not to eat late. Anyone have any suggestions on how to overcome the urge?  Any thoughts will be so appreciated!

I am going to buy a treadmill. So I can just hop on it when I get the so called snack attacks.

I have also noticed I sleep so much better, because I am tired. ( from all of the running around.)

Thank you all for putting those cute pictures on my page, if i knew how to do it you all would have one from me. I will learn.

Why does it seem to hurt more when family and so called friends make little digs about your weight? My brother in law made a comment that really hurt me. It was not a really bad comment and in the moment I laughed it off. I thought we where past the outward appearances. My mom and I are hardly speaking because every single time we talk, she always is telling me what I need to do to lose this weight. I know she is trying to be helpful, but she does it in a hurtful way. As I started to write this I had to get up and walk away from my desk. I felt the tears coming on. I had to get a big glass of water to stop that voice in my head that tells me a pizza will stop the hurt. Part of me thinks none of us chose to be overweight, and part me thinks, we choose to do nothing to stop it from happening, so in a sense we choose. I have and still continue to beat my self up over it. I have blamed everyone from my jerk of a husband to my grandparents. Not to mention, Ronald McDonald, that creepy Burger King and that talking taco Bell dog. Damn you, Colonel Sanders and that darn Popeye too! (As I yell and shake my fist in the air.) I need the motivation to get out and walk. Before I got transferred to Arkansas from Kentucky I walked every single days for hours. I walked everywhere, but since I have been here I can’t seem to find the get up and go that I once had. I find myself making really weird excuses. I laugh when I tell myself that I don’t have time. I have tons of time. It’s too cold, put on a coat. it’s too hot, do it in the morning, or in the evening. I can come up with an excuse. The neighbor is a pervert and I don’t want him to stop and talk to me. ( that’s a great story, I’ll tell you all later.) I need to really think about what is stopping me, why I keep putting up road blocks. I am aware that I am doing it. Why do I keep doing this? Does anyone else do it? I am totally committed to getting myself healthy. I honestly want and need to get some of this weight off me. I just cant figure out why I am hesitant about walking. I have an I pod with some killer jams on it, I bought new shoes. I just cant get out the door!